Borderline Triangulates with Rescuer to Silence Pain, Abandonment Anxiety
Professor Sam Vaknin discusses Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and its similarities to narcissism. BPD is currently thought to be a female manifestation of secondary psychopathy and involves dissociation. Borderlines often have a diffuse identity and rely on their intimate partners to regulate their internal environment. They may engage in dysfunctional attachment strategies, such as running away or triangulation, and experience dissociation during sex or other emotionally intense situations.
Narcissist’s Partner Reacts to Narcissist’s Sexuality (ENGLISH responses)
Partners of narcissists often deny the signs of their sexual behavior, which can be pretty open, including consuming pornography, having lovers, and trying to convince their partner to participate in threesomes and group sex. The rejection of the narcissist’s sexual practices by the partner is often a weapon used against the narcissist in arguments, rather than a genuine issue. The rejection of the narcissist’s needs by the partner is a great pity and a great obstacle to the relationship, and partners should sit back and consider what they are willing to do and what they are not willing to do.
Fetishes, Gender Roles, Monogamy (ENGLISH responses)
In this transcript, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the misconceptions surrounding gender, sex, and sexual orientation. He argues that gender roles are not determined by sexual equipment and that sexual attraction is socially determined rather than biologically determined. Vaknin also explains that fetishism is the natural state of sexuality and that the idealized sexuality of being attracted to the totality of a person is rare. He suggests that the real abnormality is people who do not have fetishes and that pedophiles have a holistic, total view of sexuality.
Narcissist: Intimacy or Sex – Never Both (ENGLISH responses)
Narcissists may initiate sex with their partner if they fear losing them, which is known as reclaimed sex. However, intimacy reduces the sex drive of a narcissist, and they may struggle to dehumanize and objectify their partner if they have a history together. Narcissists often have a problem with sexual communication and may demand their partner to act like a prostitute. Dishonest communication is at the core of many sexual and relationship traumas experienced by both the narcissist and their partner. Narcissists may end relationships dramatically due to their partner’s expectations and hopes being based on misleading statements or behaviors.
Narcissist’s Painful Mother Redux (ENGLISH responses)
In this lecture, Professor Sam Vaknin discusses non-corporeal discipline, which involves infantilizing oneself to experience intimacy, love, and pain. This can be achieved through clear abuse, such as spanking, or by regressing to a period of childhood abuse, particularly from the mother figure. However, this can be dangerous as it triggers the narcissist to regress to childhood and experience all the emotions associated with that period, including shame and depression. Narcissists who practice submission or discipline experience shame and humiliation, leading to isolation, but then become super social to seek narcissistic supply. Vaknin also explains that no narcissist has a beautiful childhood, and that mothers who spoil their children or expect great things from them are abusing them. Good mothers should push their children away to become
Narcissist’s Discipline: Love, Pain, Intimacy (ENGLISH responses)
Sam Vaknin discusses the connection between spanking and narcissistic behavior. He explains that for narcissists, spanking provides clarity, certainty, intimacy, and a sense of control, reducing anxiety and validating their worldview. He also touches on how narcissists use relationships as experiments to confirm their negative beliefs and how they may seek extreme forms of discipline when experiencing low supply.
Bondage Hijacked by Narcissists and Psychopaths (in the West) (ENGLISH responses)
Shibari, a form of Japanese bondage, is not about dominance but rather emphasizes aesthetic values and the human body as a sculpture. In contrast, Western bondage is about power relationships and dominance. Narcissists often misinterpret Japanese practices as forms of extreme dominance and engage in violent and non-consensual forms of bondage, which is dangerous. Shibari is an art form, while Western bondage is a game.
Narcissist’s BDSM Supply Partner (ENGLISH responses)
Narcissists choose partners who are reliable and predictable sources of supply, and these partners are typically defeminized and desexualized. Women who practice BDSM are not necessarily borderline, but those who are borderline may be more open to unusual sexual practices due to their self-destructiveness and emotional dysregulation. Narcissists engage in self-harm practices, such as BDSM, when they don’t have access to their internal environment and feel that they don’t exist. Shame is a crucial part of narcissism, and any dependence on a third party can provoke shame and self-directed rage. These practices have beneficial psychodynamic effects but have zero long-term effects on underlying narcissism.
Manipulate the Narcissist and Live to Tell About It? (Lecture in Budapest)
Professor Sam Vaknin discusses the manipulation of narcissists, the prevalence of narcissistic traits in society, and the impact of aggression on children. He emphasizes that the only effective way to deal with a narcissist is to go no contact, as staying in contact can lead to adopting narcissistic behaviors oneself. He notes that narcissism is on a spectrum, with healthy narcissism at one end and narcissistic personality disorder at the other. Vaknin also observes that narcissism and psychopathy are becoming more socially accepted and even encouraged in certain contexts. He mentions that narcissists can recognize each other but not psychopaths, and that psychopaths prey on narcissists. Lastly, he discusses the impact of aggression on children, stating that witnessing or experiencing physical or sexual aggression can lead to destructive or self-destructive behavior, while verbal aggression tends to perpetuate verbal abuse within the family structure.
Narcissism? Not What You Think! (An El-Nadi-Vaknin Convo)
Narcissism is not a mental illness but a personality style, and narcissists can be self-aware and proud of their disorder. They can be manipulated if they are convinced that certain behaviors are counterproductive and harmful to themselves. Women who fall for narcissists often do so because of their own psychological reasons, and unless they address these issues, they are likely to fall into the same trap repeatedly.