Abuse By Proxy
Abusers often use third parties to control, coerce, threaten, stalk, tempt, seduce, harass, communicate, or manipulate their targets. They use the same mechanisms and devices to control these unaware instruments as they plan to control their ultimate prey. The abuser perverts the system, and therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges end up upholding the abuser’s version and helping him further abuse his victims. The victim’s children are the abuser’s greatest source of leverage over his abused spouse or mate.
Interacting with Your Abuser
Sam Vaknin advises those in abusive relationships to work with professionals such as lawyers, accountants, and therapists to extricate themselves from the situation. He suggests maintaining the minimum contact mandated by the courts and avoiding any gratuitous contact with the abuser. Vaknin also recommends exposing the abuser’s needs and filling one’s life with new hobbies, interests, and friends. Finally, he warns against discussing personal affairs with the abuser and disconnecting from third parties who may be spying on one’s behalf.
Narcissists: Masculine and Feminine
Narcissism is a defining trait of our world and its people, with self-absorption, greed, and exploitation being commonplace. Narcissistic personality disorder is three times more prevalent among men than women, and this is due to the social mores and values of macho-capitalism. Women with narcissistic personality disorder tend to focus on their bodies and femininity, while men emphasize intellect, power, aggression, money, or social status. Narcissists conform to traditional gender roles and are chauvinistically conservative, depending on the opinions of those around them to maintain their false self.
Narcissist’s Language as Weapon
Narcissists use language as a weapon of self-defense, to obscure, not to communicate, and to obtain narcissistic supply. They talk at others or lecture them, exchange subtexts, and spawn private languages, prejudices, superstitions, conspiracy theories, rumors, phobias, and hysterias. The rules that govern the narcissist universe are loopholeed, incomprehensible, open to interpretation so wide and so self-contradictory that it renders them meaningless. The narcissist, in this respect, is a great social menace, undermining language itself.
Can You Diagnose Your Narcissist?
Narcissistic personality disorder is a disease that can only be diagnosed by a qualified mental health diagnostician. People often compile lists of traits and behaviors that they believe constitute the essence of narcissism, but these are often misleading. Only five of the exhaustive list of criteria need to coexist in a patient for them to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. It is not proper for laymen to diagnose people, even if narcissists rarely attend therapy or subject themselves to diagnostic tests.
Choosing a Good Psychotherapist
Psychotherapy has evolved from dogmatic scores to modern methods such as brief therapy, a common factors approach, and eclectic techniques. All therapies have common factors such as the patient seeking help, disclosure and confidences, and the development of mutual trust and respect. Good therapy empowers the client and enhances their ability to properly gauge reality, leading to a stable sense of self-worth, well-being, and competence. Eclectic psychotherapy borrows tools and techniques from a myriad of therapeutic systems, and the only principle that guides modern therapies is what works. Psychological theories of personality provide guidelines as to which treatment modalities should be considered in any given situation and for any given patient.
Hermit: Schizoid Personality Disorder
Schizoids are individuals with a personality disorder who are indifferent to social relationships and have a limited range of emotions and affect. They are incapable of intimacy and rarely express feelings. Schizoids are loners who prefer solitary activities and are inflexible in their reactions to changing life circumstances. They are creatures of habit and frequently succumb to rigid routines and schedules.
Narcissist’s Routines
Narcissists have a series of routines that are developed through rote learning and repetitive patterns of experience. These routines are used to reduce anxiety and transform the world into a manageable and controllable one. The narcissist is a creature of habit and finds change unsettling. The narcissist’s routines are often broken down when they are breached or can no longer be defended, leading to a narcissistic injury.
Narcissist’s Pain: Narcissism, Sadism, and Masochism
Narcissists experience a sense of relief after suffering emotionally, enduring a narcissistic injury, or sustaining a loss. This elation is so addictive that the narcissist often seeks pain, humiliation, punishment, scorn, and contempt. The narcissist is also a sadist, albeit a bit of an unusual sadist. The narcissist pendulum swings between the extremes of torturing others and then empathically soothing the resulting pain.
Narcissist’s Addiction Atypical
There is little empirical research on the correlation between personality traits and addictive behaviors. Narcissism is an addiction to narcissistic supply, which is the narcissist’s drug of choice. Narcissists derive pleasure from addictive and reckless behaviors, which sustain and enhance their grandiose fantasies. Narcissism is an adaptive behavior, while addiction is self-destructive and has no adaptive value.