The Intimate Partner as a Persecutory Object: Love is a Battlefield
The persecutory object is a tormenting, devaluing, and sadistic inner voice that informs patients with certain personality disorders that they are bad, worthless, weak, immoral, and generally a disappointment. Patients project this voice onto their intimate partners, who become the outer embodiment of the internal construct. This defense mechanism is known as projective identification. The patient tries to force the partner to behave in ways that support their view of them as a persecutory object. The patient then rebels against their externalized persecutory object, punishing their partner in myriad ways, leading to a sick dynamic that is unfortunately very common.
Bullies: Intermittent Reinforcement and Sex Withholding
Intermittent reinforcement is a tool used by bullies, which is rarely conscious and often unintentional. Most bullies are not self-aware and deny that they are bullies, instead claiming to be victims. Withholding sex is a strategy used by bullies, who often make excuses for their behaviour and refuse to acknowledge the problem. The bully rejects their partner, humiliates them, and isolates them to render them incapable of finding an alternative.
Histrionic Woman’s Guide to Men
Histrionic women respond differently to two types of men. The first type is men who openly desire the histrionic woman, but after a brief affair, they begin to bore her. The second type is men who are visibly attracted to the histrionic, but are very avoidant emotionally, or even absent emotionally. Histrionic women abhor intimacy and love, but they need mind games. With these men, there is always some game going on.
Sadistic Women-lover, Sadistic Women-hater
Narcissists either love or hate women, but both types end up torturing them. The sadistic women lover, or philogenist, is drawn to women but is terrified by his own obsession with them. He adopts avoidant behaviors to restore his sense of control and superiority over women. The sadistic women-hater, or misogynist, holds women in contempt and seeks to punish them. He fears women and punishes them for bringing forth his own shortcomings. The narcissist regards women as mirrors of his own deficiencies and hates them.
The Three Voices: Histrionic, Psychopathic, Borderline
Borderline personality disorder is often comorbid with other personality disorders, such as histrionic, narcissistic, and antisocial. Women are predominantly diagnosed with these comorbidities, and borderline personality disorder is a post-traumatic state that is triggered by neglect, abandonment, and abuse. When comorbid with histrionic personality disorder, women seek comfort, acceptance, validation, sex, and intimacy from other men, but conflicting inner voices arise. The histrionic voice says men will make them feel better, the psychopathic voice says don’t feel guilty about cheating, and the borderline voice says their sexuality is bad, mad, and dangerous. When faced with the prospect of sex, borderline patients panic because of negative thoughts, and if they cross the line and have full-fledged sex
Fear of Intimacy Rationalized
People who fear intimacy have a phobia of exposing their vulnerabilities and committing to a long-term relationship. This fear is rooted in a deep distrust of the world and other people. They tend to devalue their intimate partner and imagine negative scenarios for the future. Fear of intimacy is a form of diffuse anxiety that causes people to withdraw and avoid intimate relationships. It is a cycle that can never be broken or interrupted, leading to a never-ending chase that never culminates in a happy ending.
The Music of the Narcissist’s Emotions
Narcissists have emotions, but they tend to repress them so deeply that they play no conscious role in their life and conduct. They deduce the existence of emotions in others and themselves by gathering data and analyzing their meaning and significance. Narcissists and psychopaths are aware only of their cognitions and do not experience emotions, making them emotionless thinking machines. The author proposes considering narcissists and psychopaths as the first true forms of artificial intelligence.
Do Narcissists Truly Hate?
Narcissists are often adult versions of abused children who fear intimacy and seek to provoke hatred in parents, caregivers, and authority figures. They act out antisocially and seek to destroy the source of frustration. The narcissist’s hatred is not a stable experiential state, but rather a transformation of resentment and an aggressive reaction to frustration. The narcissist is heavily dependent on other people for the regulation of their sense of self-worth, and they resent this dependence.
Register! May 12-14 VIENNA SEMINAR: Finally a THERAPY THAT WORKS with Narcissists!
Professor Sam Vaknin has developed a new treatment modality called “cold therapy” to treat people with personality disorders, particularly narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. The therapy is based on the observation that these disorders are the outcome of dysfunctional attachment and problems with early childhood attachment. Cold therapy seeks to recreate the environment conducive to the replication of original childhood traumas to allow the client to resolve early childhood conflicts and cope with early childhood pain. The first-ever certification seminar for cold therapy will be held in Vienna for three days, and participants will receive certificates and a founding share in the Institute of Cold Therapy.
Narcissists and Codependents: Same Problems, Different Solutions
Codependence and narcissism are pathological reactions to childhood abuse and trauma. The codependent has a realistic assessment of herself but a fantastic view of others, while the narcissist has a fantastic view of himself but a penetrating view of others. The codependent seeks validation to restore a sense of reality, while the narcissist seeks narcissistic supply to enhance his grandiosity. Inverted narcissists are a subtype of covert narcissists who team up with classic narcissists to obtain vicarious supply. The overwhelming majority of narcissists have codependent traits and are dependent on other people for their sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-image.